Derek Zoolander - "Zoolander"

Alan Partridge: No. No! No! No! Stop getting Bond wrong! I'll tell you about "The Spy Who Loved Me". All do that with your fingers round your eye. I am Roger Moore. Bang! Blood dribbles down. We're on a submarine. Two sailors sit down and have a game of chess. Then the cups start wobbling and then a man who used to be in "The Onedin Line" comes in and goes, "Why are the cups wobbling? What's going on?" And then... yeah, you can stop doing that now. And then he peers down the periscope thing and looks through it and goes, "Oh my God. The submarine's being eaten by a a giant tanker." And then we cut to Moscow. And there's a man there and he's Russian - he's got eyebrows, you know - and he's on the phone going, "What, a whole submarine? You're joking! I'm gonna have to tell some other Russians. See ya!" Right, and then, and then, it cuts to James - Roger Moore - and er, yes, he's with a lady. Yeah. Yeah. He's, he's necking with her. And he goes, "I've got to go, love. Something's come up." 
Michael: Aye. He means his cock. 
Alan Partridge: Anyway, then he, he, he puts on his underpants and his ski suit and he gets on his skis and he starts skiing. And he's being chased by these Russian shits in black jumpsuits with lemon piping. And, er, he's just skiing along like that, and they start shooting at him, and he goes, "Right! I've had enough of that! Just stop it!" And he turns round with his gun and then he does a backward somersault off this ramp, and he, he lands on his feet - I'm not sure why, but he's not showing off. And then, then he goes over a cliff and he's falling and you think, oh God, James Bond's going to die! He's going to die! But then at the last minute... 
Michael: He pulls a ripcord, right? And a, a, a parachute comes out and it's got a Union Jack... 
Alan: Michael! Michael! 
Michael : But that's how it ends. 
Alan: That's not the end of the beginning. The end of the beginning goes like this: glang! Glanalangalangalangalangalang! Glanalang, langalangalanga, nobody does it better - and I'm a naked woman in silhouette with a gun, spinning round - Makes me feel sad for the rest. Nobody does it - ooh, bit of nipple - quite as good as you. Baby, you're the best. Da, da, da - and now a really big bounce right over and I land on my feet. Da, da, da, da, da, der. I wasn't looking, so now you found me... ooh, bit of bush, er - I tried to hide from your love life - and a woman swinging on a Luger, a giant Luger; ooh, look at that... Like heaven above me - and now another naked woman walking along the top of a gun, completely Billy Bollocks... The spy who loved me is keeping all my secrets safe tonight - and then one more big swing from the woman; legs go right up - ooh, what was that? Too late... Nobody does it half as good as you, baby you're the best!

Alan Partridge and Michael - "I'm Alan Partridge"

RED VS. BLUE

Sarge: Anyone... want to guess... why I gathered you here... today?
Grif: Uh, is it because the war's over and you're sending us home?
Sarge: That's exactly it, Private. War's over. We won. Turns out you're the big hero. We're gonna hold a parade in your honor. I get to drive the float. And Simmons here is in charge of confetti!
Grif: I'm no stranger to sarcasm, sir.

Simmons: Do you ever wonder why we're here?
Grif: One of life's great mysteries isn't it? Why are we here? I mean, are we the product of some cosmic coincidence? Or is there really a God, watching everything. You know, with a plan for us and stuff. I don't know man, but it keeps me up at night.
Simmons: What? I mean why are we out here, in this canyon.
Grif: Uh... Oh... Yeah . . .
Simmons : What's all this stuff about God?
Grif : Uh... um... Nothing.

Caboose: I should've known. She didn't like me. Girls... never... like me.
Tucker: Caboose, I don't think anybody likes you.
Caboose: I like me.

Tucker: What are they doing?
Church: What?
Tucker: I said, what are they doing now?
Church: God damn, I am getting so sick of answering that question.
Tucker: You have the fucking rifle, I can't see shit. Don't bitch at me, because I'm not going to just sit up here and play with my dick all day.
Church: OK, OK, look. They're just standing there and talking. OK? That's all they're doing. That's all they EVER do, is just stand there and talk. That's what they were doing last week, that's what they were doing when you asked me five minutes ago. So five minutes from NOW, when you ask me, "What are they doing?", my answer's gonna be, "They're still just talking, and they're still just standing there."
Tucker: [after a long pause] What are they talking about?
Church: You know what? I fucking hate you

Sarge: May I introduce the our new light reconnaissance vehicle! It has four-inch armour plating, mag bumper suspension, a mounted machine gunner position, and total seating for three. Gentlemen, this is the M12LRV! I like to call it the Warthog.
Simmons: Why Warthog, sir?
Sarge: Because 'M12LRV' is too hard to say in conversation, son.
Grif: No, but... Why Warthog? I mean, it doesn't really look like a pig.
Sarge: Say that again.
Grif: I think it looks more like a puma.
Sarge : What in Sam Hell is a puma?
Simmons: You mean like the shoe company?
Grif: No. Like a puma. It's a big cat. Like a lion.
Sarge: You're makin' that up.
Grif: I'm telling you, it's a real animal.
Sarge: Simmons, I want you to poison Grif's next meal.
Simmons: Yes, sir!
Sarge: [Points at front of the Warthog] Look, see these two tailhooks? They look like tusks. And what kind of animal has tusks?
Grif: A walrus.
Sarge: Didn't I just tell you to stop makin' up animals?

Simmons: Seriously, though. Why are we out here? As far as I can tell, it's just a box canyon in the middle of nowhere. No way in or out.
Grif: Mm-hm.
Simmons: The only reason that we set up a Red base here is 'cause they have a Blue base over there. And the only reason they have a Blue base over there is 'cause we have a Red base here.
Grif: Yeah. That's because we're fighting each other
Simmons: No, but I mean, even if we were to pull out today, and they were to come take our base, they would have two bases in the middle of a box canyon. Whoop-dee-fuckin' doo

You fucking camping bitch! | It's a legitimate strategy!

Sarge: Give me a boost
Caboose: Okay. You are a nice person. People say this things about you.
Sarge: A Physical boost, not a morale boost, you moron. I need to see in that window
Caboose: *looks* I don't think you are tall enough for that
Sarge: I know that. Thats why I need you here
Caboose: I don't think I am tall enough either. Also that window is square, but my head is round

Oh, you rocket-whore!

Caboose: I see a room...
Sarge: And? What's in the room?
Caboose: There are some walls and some ceilings Wait. Just one ceiling.

Stop fighting, stop fighting, everyone stop fighting. Everyone, everyone. Look unto me. I possess the blue flag (It's more beautiful than I ever imagined) I have seen the top of the mountains and you will worship me as if I were a god. *gets killed by blues* I regret nothing, I lived as few men dare to dream

What do you mean we can work as a team? | I bash you in the head with my rifle and you die. great team work you fucking noob.

That's your plan? all you said was 'whisper whisper whisper' | I know i just wanted to be the one with the plan for once.

We don't have time to tortue you so I'm just going to have to kill you

Kittens covered in spikes, That makes me angry.

Simmons you get an F in effciency but an A+ in dramtic timing

You killed Church! You teamkilling fucktard!

Caboose: Look what I found
Donut: I found that
Caboose: Look what I took credit for finding.

My name is Micheal J Caboose. And I hate babies.

(What partying is like on the internet)
Church: Hey, where is everybody?
Grif: I guess they're all masturbating
Church: Oooh.. right...
Grif: Well, I'll see you later dude. I'm gonna go masturbate.
Chruch: Ok see ya.